he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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