Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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