i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
