i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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