Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
