i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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