We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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