Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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