i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
