as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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