I accidentally burped into my bong.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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