Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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