why do cheetos always look like penises
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
