dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
