my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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