i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
