Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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