my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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