dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
