omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
