I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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