apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've blown a few things in my day
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
