If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
