There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
