just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
