I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Oh god it's open bar.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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