I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
