What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
