oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
