I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
this just has baby written all over it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
