I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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