It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
