If i come over, it means nothing
...so i touched it.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
