Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The struggles of a small town man whore
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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