what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
