That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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