his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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