I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
