my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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