i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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