This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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