Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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