Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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