So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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