in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
