Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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