I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
