Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
