I wannas sexs uuuuu
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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