omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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